My face has hardened over my few short weeks here. When I walk down the streets my jaw is clenched tight, my eyes unforgiving. Even at home it takes a lot more effort to get a smile out of me than it did four weeks ago. Being a mzungu in Kibera you naturally draw everyone's attention. I constantly feel the stares on me- some gentle and welcoming, most are not. In four short weeks I've grown to anticipate the looks, the grabs, the handshakes, the calls, and I've learned to give back nothing. No facial or verbal acknowledgement of how I feel because it doesn't matter. Whether I want the attention or not it's going to come. Even the children aren't guaranteed a response anymore. That I don't like. I don't like that I've become this hard shell of a person. I don't like that I came here thinking I could so easily love everyone and give my heart to them all when in reality, I can't. I don't like that when I walk alone I don't feel like I can even give a smile without becoming even more of a target.
I leave for Maasai land tomorrow. I've heard tat the Maasai are the most kind-hearted, welcoming, gentle, beautiful souls out there. My biggest hope is that they'll break me. That they'll re-teach me how to openly trust my neighbors, how to let my guard down, how to smile freely.
My life is beautiful, and I am living my dream, I just didn't realize how much I would learn and change in the process.